It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
socratic questions
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again