It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart