It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
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Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
i will avenge u mr van gogh
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no