@jonnysun

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

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@jordan_stratton

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

@bmarked21

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

@mikealfredcaine

shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog

@P0tterhead_394

My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.

@portmanteauface

Sleeping out in the country is so relaxing. The cool breeze drifting through your open windows. Clear night skies filled with every star in the universe. Crickets so loud you start thinking you have tinnitus

@KeetPotato

“chill before serving” is the best advice I can think of if you’re an angry waitress

@Darlainky

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.