The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
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My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog
My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.
Sleeping out in the country is so relaxing. The cool breeze drifting through your open windows. Clear night skies filled with every star in the universe. Crickets so loud you start thinking you have tinnitus
“chill before serving” is the best advice I can think of if you’re an angry waitress
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.