“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Trumpy Cat
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice