“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Sorry. Not sorry
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.