Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.