sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”