@juneohara65

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

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@_davidlucas_

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

@BrokenDollMcGee

random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos

me: do you have any tattoos?

kid: nope

me: so you won’t be in hell?

kid: nope

me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then

@deegeemindi

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

@PetrickSara

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

@dumbbeezie

Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says “Say goodbye to your family”

@HairyJew4Life

Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?

*3 hours later*

Her: What are you talking about?

@BuckyIsotope

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

@JohnLyonTweets

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.