It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.



*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?


random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos

me: do you have any tattoos?

kid: nope

me: so you won’t be in hell?

kid: nope

me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then


In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.


I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.


Way down on the bottom of the twitter user licensing agreement in tiny font it says “Say goodbye to your family”


Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back?

*3 hours later*

Her: What are you talking about?


WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
ME: I don’t know


Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.