just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
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I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*