@hazelmotes1

It seems to me that if you can afford a barrel and a pair or suspenders you can afford a pair of pants.

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@TheBoydP

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

@hamersauce

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.

@breatheandlove

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

@Divergentmama

This week I’ve learned no one was washing their hands, people think toilet paper prevents viruses and some of you have VERY strong feelings about the potato button on your microwave.

We’re all going to die, aren’t we?

@Contwixt

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

@SuperRandomish

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

@Iwriteforcats

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

@notsoevilrick

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

@TommyRainmaker

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met