It seems to me that if you can afford a barrel and a pair or suspenders you can afford a pair of pants.

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My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!


PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course


Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.


My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.


This week I’ve learned no one was washing their hands, people think toilet paper prevents viruses and some of you have VERY strong feelings about the potato button on your microwave.

We’re all going to die, aren’t we?


Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.


If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.


Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.


Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.


we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met