It seems to me that if you can afford a barrel and a pair or suspenders you can afford a pair of pants.

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[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”


Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.


If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.


Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.


eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not


‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.


why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism


ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR


*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*


[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time