It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
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If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
January has been Januweary
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
new career option?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
me and my fake scenarios
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”