@ThePocketJustin

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

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@mel_pollen

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

@PerfectPending

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

@caliraingirl

I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.

@Mardigroan

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

@EJGomez

son ur mom told me u & ur gf broke up today?
*puts hand on sons shoulder*
if u had bought a pet falcon like i told u she woulda never left u

@kwirkyKerri

Sex on the beach means sand everywhere. You just do not want extreme exfoliation in some areas.

@towelforacape

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

@LuvPug

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother