@JustMeTurtle

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

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@Cpin42

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

@Browtweaten

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

@Bownuggets

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

@kellyoxford

7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
Me “Yes”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”

@CheeseDaydreams

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

@Beerhaze

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

@brynnester

Me: *panic buying*

[Later At Home]

Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?

Me: I panicked

@julcasagrande

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”