It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
dutch so unserious
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.