It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

You Might Also Like


If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear


Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere


Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet


7yr old “Do women get their periods on weekends too?”
Me “Yes”
7yr old mutters to herself “Jesus Christ”


My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?


She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!


Me: *panic buying*

[Later At Home]

Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?

Me: I panicked


Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”