It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
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People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably