It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
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I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.