@Gemberlicking

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

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@CoolCamel69

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

@ArfMeasures

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

@CodyJP9412

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

@realHamOnWry

Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris called it quits. But I am looking forward to her next album devoted to the break-up called ‘Calvin and Sobs’.

@poutinesmoothie

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

@FrenulumBreve

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

@Sean_Burgundy_

There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”

@sarita6032

I hit 2k followers. Now that I’ve gathered you all here, I’d like to discuss the benefits of Amway

@roxiqt

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

@Home_Halfway

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear