It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
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I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
A ghost story
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Good morning
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.