It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
The hardest thing Vision has to do
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.