It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

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Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.


Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.


My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.


The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.


You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.


A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.


I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again


GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.


If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.


*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.