Please don’t assume my dog is friendly because her tail is wagging. She’s just super happy thinking about ripping you to shreds.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
You Might Also Like
If you want the truth, ask a child.
If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.
If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.
She sent me a text saying she wearing something special for me…
but every time I ask her what, she says ~ Nothing.
Who are we?
What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!
When do we want it?
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-
gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
*drives away quickly*
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??