@maxontweet

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

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@UncleDuke1969

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

@seamussaid

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

@WilliamRodgers

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

@BradNewsBears

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

@thatdutchperson

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

@brynnester

Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*

@ArfMeasures

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left