It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I have two kinds of followers
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Autocorrect is my menesis
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.