@maxontweet

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

@ComedicBust

Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.

@Tbone7219

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

@_davidlucas_

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

@ddsmidt

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

@o__0Dev

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

@Kim_pulsive

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

@AndrewNadeau0

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

@CuddleYourCat

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

@TheAlexP

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.