@maxontweet

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

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@CatJacquesESPN

Please don’t assume my dog is friendly because her tail is wagging. She’s just super happy thinking about ripping you to shreds.

@Twtercide

If you want the truth, ask a child.

If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.

If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.

@Deurb1

She sent me a text saying she wearing something special for me…
but every time I ask her what, she says ~ Nothing.

@kvlly

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

@TheHyyyype

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

@vineyille

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

@WilliamAder

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

@SteveKoehler22

Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.

@Rollinintheseat

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

@AngelaEhh

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??