It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

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The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.


if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver


How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes



Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..


Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.


Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.


Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*


Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left