It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

You Might Also Like


Please don’t assume my dog is friendly because her tail is wagging. She’s just super happy thinking about ripping you to shreds.


If you want the truth, ask a child.

If you want some bullshit, ask an adult.

If you want to end up in jail, ask your friends on Twitter.


She sent me a text saying she wearing something special for me…
but every time I ask her what, she says ~ Nothing.


Who are we?

What do we want?

When do we want it?


waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again


Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.


I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.


Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.


Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*


You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??