The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
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I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
Q: Will you get naked?
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Me: *taps him on shoulder* But what if I don’t like bread? Or fish?
Jesus: *pinches bridge of nose*
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left