Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
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Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.