It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
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sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves