@Tom_Vom

It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.

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@trojansauce

[interview]

“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”

*whispers*

“sorry i couldn-”

I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME

@ddrwg

[Riding a saddled turtle]
BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!!
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
Aww man.

@Izianikapani

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

@hell_homer

This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]

@DuckhouseMedia

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

@MikeDrucker

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

@WetzelGeek

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.