“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”
“sorry i couldn-”
I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME
It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.
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[Riding a saddled turtle]
BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!!
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
For lunch today I ate three lunches.
Please allow 5-10 business days for a devastatingly cutting retort
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.