It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?