it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
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We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.