I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
*wife notices the books all over the floor*
FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE’S NO SECRET PASSAGE!
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.
Having children really brought me and my wife closer together.
We have a common enemy now.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[Enters baby room late at night]
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Michael Jackson breaks into WALMART. He only steals lotion. Turning to the security camera he whispers “smooth criminal” and moonwalks away