@Rollinintheseat

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

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@FuzzyDuck17

Me: our neighbor’s a dick
Him: why?
Me: for some reason he thinks we’re australian and shouted ‘G’day mate’ in a bad accent. Ooh sick burn bro
Him: you know he’s Australian, right?

@suntzufuntzu

YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.

@41Strange

After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble

@SonOfCha

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

@TheHyyyype

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

@NoogsCorner

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

@Browtweaten

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

@HomeProbably

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

@iamk1ts

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.