“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

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Me: our neighbor’s a dick
Him: why?
Me: for some reason he thinks we’re australian and shouted ‘G’day mate’ in a bad accent. Ooh sick burn bro
Him: you know he’s Australian, right?


YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.


After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble


Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.


TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late


Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.


Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda


Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.


Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.