@Rollinintheseat

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

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@jrza84

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

@carlyken

My 8 told me he likes Skillrex because it sounds like what Transformers would sound like if they quit saving the world and formed a band.

@ibid78

*meteor is about to hit earth*
Earth: I have a boyfriend

@D2BMcG

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

@thenoahkinsey

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

@HisDulcinea

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

@MomofTeen

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

@murrman5

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

@TheCatWhisprer

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.