@JohnLyonTweets

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

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@pakalupapito

roses r red

violets r blue

sunflowers r yellow

i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts

@Bad_Ass_Trucker

Women to the left of me
Women to the right of me
That’s when I realized I was in the wrong bathroom

@Dutch_50

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

@tat2dsoccermom

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.

@Darlainky

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

@elunatyk

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.