It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
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You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
There’s never enough good news
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
What?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.