It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
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Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one