It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
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She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.