Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
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My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.