Kid: What will I look like when I’m old?
It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.
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In lieu of kissing a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve, throat punch them instead. let’s send a clear message to 2018 we’re done taking this shit
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I’d handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?
Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.