It takes 43 muscles to frown, which is why my face looks so ripped.

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In lieu of kissing a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve, throat punch them instead. let’s send a clear message to 2018 we’re done taking this shit


Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.


After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I’d handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?


Everyone knows if you see a white guy with dreads you punch them in the face


“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”


Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.


This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.


I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.