cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
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Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Why is no one talking about this?!