It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

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wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”


Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again


Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.


If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.


Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.



Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.


Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.


I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.


[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing