@ThatBrenna

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

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@sonictyrant

Girls with pigtails really freak me out, i cant help wondering what they did with the rest of the pig

@MacDickson18

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

@torrami

Nine months from now we’ll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn’t Working.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

@Slygirl08

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

@Twtercide

6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!

Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.

6 yo: Oh

@JerseyRambo

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

@Phook75

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine