It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

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Girls with pigtails really freak me out, i cant help wondering what they did with the rest of the pig


Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.


Nine months from now we’ll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn’t Working.


Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?


They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.


6 yo: *yells* Mom! I’m on level 18!!!!

Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You’re reading.

6 yo: Oh


You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”


People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine