It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
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I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
early stone age tool
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
hmmm
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.