It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
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Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.