I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.