it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

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I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.


Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.


So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?


I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.


Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children


Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.


Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.


I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.


pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.