it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
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The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time