@eedrk

It takes a big man to apologize, and it takes a small man to climb into a suitcase. all sizes of men have their power

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@BitchyJasmine

Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

@impJOKER

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

@tastefactory

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

@tracietom

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

@JurassicPark2go

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

@flindis

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

@java_assassin

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

@MavenofHonor

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

@FinallyHeSleeps

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

@FredTaming

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector