Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
It takes a big man to apologize, and it takes a small man to climb into a suitcase. all sizes of men have their power
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I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me