My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas