I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
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peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.