Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
No. YOU-buprofen.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO