@lifecoachfit: It takes a village to raise a child so I dropped the kids off at my neighbors house with a note: "your turn"
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@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "How did your first day as a lifeguard go?" Me: "Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me."
@mydanimarie: Guns don't kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
@shatterpants: Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.