It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I love snow
– People who never shovel
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣