It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
You Might Also Like
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
🍛
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Growing up was a huge mistake
50 shades of grey = my Liver
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die