Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists
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[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”
Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*