@belleykell

It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists

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@prufrockluvsong

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

@ericsshadow

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

@rockymomax

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

@TheAlexNevil

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?


Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

@OctopusCaveman

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

@batkaren

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

@mom_tho

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

@NotLikeFreddy

WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
ME: h—
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING

@iwearaonesie

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*