@ShrugLord

It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day

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@imadepoopstoday

People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.

@thedad

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

@RoosterMustache

*bursts into church*

DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN

Undertaker: “This is a funeral”

OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

@NicestHippo

“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”

SUPERMAN: Kryptonite

BATMAN: Bats

MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction

@FattMernandez

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

@LizHackett

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

@daemonic3

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

@cervixsmash

Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman

@slaughthie

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you