It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day

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And Grandmother, what big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*


*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes


Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …


Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.


Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.


Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.


“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*