People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.
It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day
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Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
*bursts into church*
DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN
Undertaker: “This is a funeral”
OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
“Let’s go around the room & name our biggest fears”
MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you