[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day
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Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My position on marijuana is slumped in a beanbag chair.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
more like Clifford the Big Red Reason we are Homeless
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I don’t think it’s rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today’s newspaper.