It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.