It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
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for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?