My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
can’t believe I got front row seats
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.