It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
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Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”