It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
You Might Also Like
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do