[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
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[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Hit me in the face with a bird
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!