It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
*weighs self after shaving
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Ha
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?