@anerdonfire2

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

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@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

@stevevsninjas

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

@Rollmaninoz

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

@newLettuce

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

@Mr_Kapowski

[kissing]

Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt

@weinerdog4life

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

@nappydolemite

I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.

@DulciePlaid

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

@Kristen_Arnett

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

@drinksmcgee

There are no longer any other acceptable ways to measure wind speed.