It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.


Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.


*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is


Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word



Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt


“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”


I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.


When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.


dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no


There are no longer any other acceptable ways to measure wind speed.