It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Name this drama.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.