It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
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When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I will never stop laughing at this
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Put my back out twerking in the library again
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!