It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
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we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.