I feel so bad for people who don’t like sports. They never experience the thrill of maybe being happy once every 10-20 years
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
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Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I just used “volumizing” shampoo for the first time….
Everything sounds the same.
Every now and then you meet someone you wish you could unhinge your jaw for. *waiting patiently*
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.