It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
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*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather