@AbbyHasIssues

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

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@bydanielvictor

I feel so bad for people who don’t like sports. They never experience the thrill of maybe being happy once every 10-20 years

@david8hughes

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

@susie_qsie

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

@PlatinumShower

I just used “volumizing” shampoo for the first time….

Everything sounds the same.

@JessiCanadian

Every now and then you meet someone you wish you could unhinge your jaw for. *waiting patiently*

@UncleDuke1969

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

@Hadzilla

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

@girl_a_whirl

My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.