It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”


The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.



A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.


Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa


I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.


On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!


I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…


If we are talking and I reach up and slowly turn my bear suit head around backward, our conversation is over.


Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.


If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”