@AbbyHasIssues

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

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@AntozWolf

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

@WhatevaConc

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

@fillthevacuum

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

@rebrafsim

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

@rickolantern

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

@PortRooster

On phone:

GF: We’re breaking up…
Me: I can hear you fine!
GF: It’s not you, it’s me…
Me: Did you get a new provider?
GF: Kinda… Bye!

@WilliamRodgers

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

@DudeInABearSuit

If we are talking and I reach up and slowly turn my bear suit head around backward, our conversation is over.

@MaryJustice86

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

@LizHackett

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”